my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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