my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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