I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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