Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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