Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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