She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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