I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
