I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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