Screwed.edu
im six kinds of drunk right now
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
