Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
