can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
