oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
