True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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