I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
