I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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