I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
