update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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