You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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