Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
