woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
