All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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