I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
