Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
