Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
