I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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