Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Is Oprah even human
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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