Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
