Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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