if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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