Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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