Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
