I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
