I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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