i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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