I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
