your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
