Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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