Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
3pm strippers are depressing
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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