I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
