I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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