So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
