remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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