So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
