i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
