Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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