Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
