She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
