ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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