wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
