is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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