Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You may now shotgun with the bride
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
